Attachment

We are not the survival of the fittest. We are the survival of the nurtured.
— Louis Cozolino

Attachment theory provides a roadmap for understanding the intricate play between our innate need for security and desire for independent exploration. It asserts that our relationships are shaped by 4 attachment styles. These styles influence the way we perceive love, trust and safety.

Four main attachment styles:

1) Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment had caregivers who consistently met their needs and were responsive. They feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence, trust their partners, and have healthy relationships.

Example: A child with secure attachment feels safe exploring the environment, knowing their caregiver will be there when needed. As an adult, they are likely to have stable and satisfying relationships.

2) Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals with this style often had inconsistent caregiving. They crave closeness, worry about being abandoned, and may become overly dependent on their partners.

Example: A child with an anxious attachment may cling to their caregiver, fearing they will be left alone. As an adult, they might constantly seek reassurance and have a tendency to overanalyze their relationships.

3) Avoidant Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style may have experienced rejection or neglect during childhood. They tend to be emotionally distant and avoid intimacy to protect themselves from potential hurt or rejection.

Example: A child with an avoidant attachment may avoid physical contact and appear independent. As an adult, they may struggle to open up emotionally and might be uncomfortable with closeness in relationships.

4) Disorganised Attachment: Disorganized attachment is often the result of traumatic experiences or inconsistent caregiving. Individuals with this attachment style may display both anxious and avoidant behaviors. They might struggle with regulating their emotions and have difficulty forming stable relationships.

Example: A child with disorganized attachment may show mixed behaviors, such as approaching the caregiver but then freezing or acting out. As adults, they may have trust issues, difficulty managing emotions, and challenges in relationships.

Remember, attachment styles are not fixed and can change over time with self-awareness, therapy, and positive relationship experiences. Understanding attachment styles helps us better understand ourselves and develop healthier relationships with others and ourself.

People seek therapy for difficult childhood attachments in order to:

  • Resolve emotional issues.

  • Develop healthier relationships.

  • Heal past wounds.

  • Break unhealthy patterns.

  • Enhance self-esteem and self-worth.

  • Build resilience and coping skills.

Dan Siegel discussing his 4 S's of Attachment-Based Parenting:

  1. Safe: Create a secure environment

  2. Seen: Validate your child's experiences;

  3. Soothed: Help them manage emotions;

  4. Secure: Build a strong bond of trust.

    These principles foster healthy parent-child relationships and support a child's emotional well-being and development.

Dan Brown’s Ideal Parent guided meditation for adults, 11 min.